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| Child in a confused state |
Nothing can be as frustrating as finding yourself in the midst of stormy wind all blowing against you and those who are supposed to rescue you are not there for you,perhaps, battling with their own storms too.
You see, each time I look at the younger generation, my heart bleeds. Seeing those in whose hands the future lies dealing with life with slacked and weakened hands leaves me with so much fear. Supposing it is just their hands that are weakened, it would have been better. Their hearts and heads are also weak.
You see youth already in their teens, twenties and thirties still looking confused and highly incapacitated. No sense of direction. Moral decadence among other social vices is gaining an alarming proportion.
A lot of them don't even know what they want in life and some that seem to know don't know how to go about pursuing and achieving them. It's really worrisome.
While we are still trying to curb a particular menace in the society, another shows up and many have given up in so many ways. Parents who expected so much from their children feeling so disappointed, and children too,feel disappointed in d their parents who couldn't live up to expectation.
But the question is, HOW DID WE GET HERE?
From time immemorial, we've been taught that the primary unit of socialization is the family. Everybody you come across out there belong to a family. Even orphans that didn't grow up under their biological parents still belong to families - the people under whom they grew up.
Indeed, the family plays a vital role in one's upbringing. Family experiences could either make you or mar you.
If things are not consistently OK at the family leve, things may be difficult for those that grow up in such families.
No doubt, a lot of homes are really dysfunctional. Things are not in the right perspective. The foundation of most homes is out of course. A lot of people have being highly injured and punctured in the spirit because of the ugly experiences of growing up in such dysfunctional homes.
Most of the people constituting nuisance in the society today are products of dysfunctional homes. When you see people that grew up in homes where things are in the right perspective, the difference is always clear.
How Dads and Mum's kill their children:
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| A happy family |
No doubt, a lot of people have been killed either spiritually, mentally, morally and otherwise all courtesy of the way they were brought up.
Parents are the major stakeholders in securing a better future for their children. But on the contrary, most parents end up destroying the future of their children even without knowing it. Something dies in the children each time parents get it wrong in their approach to parenting.
True, the first teacher, trainer, coach, instructor e.t.c. every child should have is his or her parents.
The impact of the life of parents in their children's life would almost be indelible. Even if the child grows up to change the course of his or her life, some elements of the parents life will always be there either good or bad.
Let's consider the following:
1- Marital relationship between Dads and Mums: When I was growing up I do ask myself is this man and woman that called themselves my parents truly husband and wife, especially seeing the way my parents lived. They were never joined together to become one flesh as it were. They were never on the same page always fighting and quarrelling. The house was more or less a battlefield. The only time there was peace at home is when one of them is at home and the other is not. And this is the case in most homes.Read also: Managing your emotions!
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| Couples quarrelling |
There are so many couples today that are married in the eyes of the public but back home, and down to the bedroom, they are far apart. A lot of homes are truly in crisis even at the verge of breaking up. Some married couples would really prefer to break up if they have their way than keeping up with the pains and tortur they experience in that thing you call marriage. Some are only being held bound by religious injunctions based on their faith. Others by what people would say and the shame it will bring them publicly if they eventually breakup. Why some among other reasons just want to endure for the sake of their children.
The situation at times could really be helpless and frustrating. Some who couldn't help their situation and wouldn't break up, may be pushed to go after other men or women just to at least, sooth the pains of their heart. While those who wouldn't do either of these for moral and integrity sake may just remain on board only to continue melting down like the candle under heat. But no matter how it is, you have to consider the impact any crisis between a husband and wife could make on the children to know how best to handle issues.
Dads and Mums, always remember that whenever you both quarrel and fight to the notice of your children, you kill them in one way or the other - something dies in them.
Seeing Dad and Mum that are supposed to join forces together to fight for their children in order to secure a better future for them now fighting each other can really be killing. It kills their joy and hope of a better life. They begin to lose the sense of security and comfort. They begin to struggle with fears in their mind - many questions they wish somebody could just answer for them.
Any fight between couples makes the house very unsafe for the children psychologically and this may push them away into the hostile world out there.
The children may hence be forced to reach out for any available coverage elsewhere where they could find solace and this makes them highly vulnerable as they may fall into the wrong hands.
Furthermore, children that grow up under such a hostile atmosphere in the home may eventually grow up to be hostile. They are often reactive and aggressive in dealing with people when they grow up. In fact, it goes on to affect every aspect of their character, and of course, you could see many of them with deformed, questionable and challenged character all around.
Read also: Handling disappointments in relationship!
To Daddies and Mummies:
Dads and Mums, no matter the situation at home, if you cannot avoid the quarrel or fight, don't bring it to the notice of your children. Don't even show it at all for as long as it lasts and don't allow it last for more than just a moment.
Stop involving them in the fight too. Be responsible enough to settle yourselves in your bedroom and leave your children out of the tussle. Stop using your children to settle scores. Your children desire a home and not a boxing ring.
As much as you can, live at peace with each other. You are married, remember - joined together to become one flesh and no one fights himself or herself.
Please note that fighting over irrelevant issues is characteristic of children and if after being married, you are still fighting each other physically or verbally without a just cause, I don't think I'll be mincing words if I call you babies, because that is how babies behave.
To Children:
As a child, if you eventually find yourself growing up under parents who couldn't help themselves to be mature and responsible enough to live in peace and harmony with each other, don't take it to heart. Just take them for who they are and learn from it. I have learnt from my own experiences under my parents that is why I can now advice you like this.
From parents' shortcomings, you can learn well and prepare better for your future that is forthcoming.
Read also: Empathic listening in human relation
2 - Talking about your Spouse before your children: Many a times, some people could be so careless with words when they speak about their spouse either before other people or in the presence of their children.
Please note that we are all humans with imperfections and weaknesses and your spouse is not an exception. You should have acknowledged this fact before ever getting married. He or she would always make mistakes. There will always be shortcomings but don't be too moved by anger or emotions to expose the weaknesses of your spouse to your children and to the public.
Note that every child will desire to be proud of their parents even to be like them. Parents are supposed to be role models and heroes to the children. So, exposing the weaknesses of your spouse to your children may kill their confidence in him or her and once children start losing confidence in their parents, they trust them less. Respect for parents begins to diminish too. especially when such parents are also guilty of fighting themselves. Children may become rebellious. This could also make children to be reluctant in discussing personal issues of concern with their parents.
Children may hence be going to discuss pressing issues with outsiders since they cant trust the capacity of the parents to handle such issues. And of course you know what that means: they may again fall into the wrong hands if care is not taken.
To Daddies and Mummies:
Please do everything possible to protect the interests and image of your spouse before the public and especially before your children. No matter how weak he or she is, always present your spouse as the father or the mother your children can be proud of. Never let your spouse down before your children and anybody else no matter what. Never condemn or say anything destructive about your spouse whether in his absence or presence before your children as that could register a very bad and perhaps, permanent impression on them.
However, you may also end up fooling yourself before your children if that your spouse has already won their heart and gained their confidence and trust in some ways. While you try to paint your spouse bad before your children, they would instead, see you as the bad person.
To Children:
Never judge your parents based on what has been said about them. Care enough to get close to them and know their true nature, and let this form your judgement of them.
Even if they are guilty of the weaknesses being held against them, let it go and judge them based on their strength. Remember, they are humans too. Nobody is too weak to be strong in some ways and nobody is too strong to be weak in some ways. Try and identify the areas of their strength and relate with them in that regard.
The truth is, as hostile and unfriendly as my late father was, he was always committed to farming for the family. He was always at the forefront of clearing every piece of land we were to cultivate. He was always utilising every fishing season to get fish for the family. He was equally committed to setting very long line traps for animals in the bush all for the family.
Even if your parents cannot stop talking about how the other party is not measuring up in some ways, you just listen, watch the drama, learn from it and that should be all. Remember, you can learn marital bliss from the marital bruises of your parents.
More so, be wise enough to understand that parents that are struggling with how to put their house in order are most likely products of broken or dysfunctional homes. Just take a throwback at history and u would understand. A good foundation may not have been laid for them too. And if you can't take precaution and responsibility to rewrite history in your time, history may repeat itself either sooner or later.
Read also: Seeking help!
3 - Belief and Culture: Most times, we grow up playing the script that have been written in us by our parents. Our belief system, ideology and lifestyle is largely sculptured and influenced by those of our parents or guardians under whom we grow up. And if these belief and paradigms are faulty and defective,the child may grow up struggling to find his or her feet, being trapped by, and in those self-limiting philosophies and paradigms.
For example, a male child that grew up in a house where the father assisting the mother in the kitchen is being seen as a taboo would also grow up seeing kitchen work and house chores as the exclusive role of the wife except otherwise.
A female child that grows up in a house where the househelp does all the cooking and house chores would also have a challenge in keeping the home when she grows up. Of course, you don't learn all these things in marriage. They have to be learnt over time in preparation for marriage.
True, children learn very fast, first from their parents and they would always practice what they have learned.
To Daddies and Mummies:
Please always remember that your children are different people entirely who may belong to a different generation with different set of circumstances and experiences.
Not every ideology that is applicable to you may be applicable to them. So, be very selective and objective in choosing the kind of training and culture you pass across to your children.
Raise them based on the realities and demands of the generation they belong to and not yours. For example, you might have grown up in the time when social media was not widespread and now, the world has become a global village. So, you can't deny them access to social media all in the name of not wanting them to be spoilt by the happenings therein. It is better to expose them yourself in due season to the realities thereof and guide them along safe lines.
Don't expect them to leave like you lived when you were their age. Remember, you belong to different generations and things must have changed.
Always objectively weigh the "pros" and the "cons" in terms of present and future prospects of any belief, ideology, paradigm, culture, practice and lifestyle you want to build in your children before doing it. Remember, the goal is not for them to be you, but to be the best of themselves. Even if you find yourself helplessly living a life you were trained or raised to live, try and appraise it critically. If it doesn't fit into the great future you desire for your children, you better let it end with you.
Be liberal enough to allow your children think freely and take some decisions on their own while being guided. Never impose your opinions and beliefs on them especially as they grow up . If it doesn't fit them, don't force them because you may end up killing the future you are supposed to secure for them.
You must not sacrifice innovation on the altar of tradition. Don't be too conscious of how good it has been to lose touch with how better it can be.
To Children:
Always respect and trust your parents' judgement. But as you grow up, objectively appraise the script your parents have written in you to know whether it really fit into where you are going to in life or not. For the ones that fit, do subscribed to the. And the ones that doesn't, you can humbly and diplomatically do away with them. This is not rebellion but a sense of responsibility and maturity.
You have to outgrow the level of "my Daddy said...", "this is what my mummy taught me...". You must face reality if you must succeed in life.
4 - Parental child abuse: A lot of children become highly emotionally and physically stressed because of the physical and verbal assault they suffer even from their own parents.
Some parents can really be inhumane in the way they treat their children. Most children are being treated less than who they are, and what the worth. Some children are treated at times as lesser humans.
There are times parents do expect too much from their children and hence pushed them beyond their capacities at a time. And these children could hardly satisfy those parent. As a result, they do face physical and verbal assault. And in order to satisfy their parents and save themselves of those assaults, the children may begin to stretch themselves, at times, beyond their elastic limit. At the end, they become deformed in character and personality since they are being compared to live to please their parents. This kills their joy and peace and their soul always cry for freedom, if not vengeance within them.
A lot of them grow up with different dimensions of inferiority complex because a good and balanced sense of self-worth, dignity and nobility was not built in them from the beginning.
To Daddies and Mummies:
In as much as you have the responsibility to bring up your children to be responsible with good inbuilt capacities, know what and how much they can, and should take per time and build them accordingly. Don't push them too hard so that you don't break what you are supposed to make.
Always give them a sense of belonging and security under your umbrella. If they can't find solace under you, they will search for it elsewhere.
To Children:
Even if you unavoidably find yourself growing up under parents that abuse you whether physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally or otherwise, never allow it alter your nature and your future. Do everything possible to discover your true nature, improve on it per time in order to secure a glorious future for yourself.
Even if your parents call you names and make destructive statements about, you know who you are and let your parents be who they are. From the wrong image they paint about you, you can discover your true nature and leave in the light of that.
CONCLUSION
The pillars of societal values that are constantly being pulled down by the strange winds of societal vices can only be built,first, starting from the home. If we can rebuild the home, we can rebuild the nation.
REMAIN BLESSED!
#emmanueleyafimoni
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